Noah's Road

Today we dug through our closets to find something decent to wear and we dug into our hearts to again find the strength and the words to express our losses to the Judge, with the great weight of hope that she would hand down the jury’s recommended sentence to Trudy. Mike didn’t sleep for several nights. For the last week I kept obsessing over menial things in an attempt to forego the inevitable emotional exhaustion that would follow today. Because I’m too paranoid to have my boys watched by anyone other than those who know them well, we had three – not just one – but three close friends watch over them. One of my closest friends brought her little girl over (she’s only 17 days older than Noah but already has a handful of words, while Noah is only babbling on occasion). And so, while we were recounting the darkest moments of the last year, Noah was at least smiling and taking a tour of the neighborhood in our Radio Flyer wagon with his little girlfriend with the curly brown hair. I hear they played toddler footsie! That knowledge gave me peace as Mike and I gave our victim impact statements, and as we sat in the courtroom listening to the character testimony about Trudy.

I can’t attempt to express all that I have felt through this trial, and now in knowing that this legal chapter is over. (I know an appeal will be in the works, but I can’t focus my energy on that.) Crying is my day job; I should get paid for it. But I haven’t just cried at what Noah has lost, what I have lost, what my dear husband and our family have lost. I have cried several times because it saddens me so greatly that the woman I trusted with all my heart – the woman I raved about to everyone I knew, who seemed to dote on Noah – is in jail because she shook my son. When the detectives told Mike and me last April that she had lifted her arms and, holding a baby doll, illustrated how she shook Noah, I bawled. It wasn’t just because my son was lying down the hall, having just emerged from a coma, but it was because someone I had cared about so greatly had betrayed me. I had believed in her before then. Mike had to console me I was so unhinged, though I know he was angry with me for crying over the woman who had clearly admitted to harming my son.

Today I thought about that old version of myself – young, naïve, trusting – when I listened to the testimony of two women who spoke about how wonderfully Trudy had cared for their children over the years. One of them, I wonder if she realizes, I called as a reference more than a year ago. Only yesterday I watched her on a January Peruvian news story about Trudy. She sat in her house with her two boys, one of them rambunctious and wearing a superhero costume, and she spoke again of Trudy’s character. Would she be so certain if it was her trust that had been shattered? One of Trudy’s defense attorneys asked each of these women today whether they would still entrust their children to Trudy, despite the fact that a jury found her guilty. They each said yes, enthusiastically. I don’t know these women and yet I am angry that they could be so naïve. But they are fortunate to afford such naiveté. I wish I still had mine. 

In the blog “The Verdict” I wrote about Trudy’s family. Today Trudy’s husband spoke. He has expressive, soulful brown eyes. The anguish he feels for his daughters and his wife resonated throughout the courtroom. He is a victim in this as well. And though I temper anger with him for supporting his wife, as he is her greatest advocate, I also feel as though I understand where he is coming from. Who would believe the person they have dedicated their life to could be capable of something so vile? Who would want to? Likewise, though I’m sure he harbors resentment towards us, I believe that he feels for us and for Noah. There is so much that weighs on him as well, maybe more than I can ever comprehend, even in my most lucid and empathetic moments.

Two families are shattered, a “tragedy” the Judge correctly acknowledged – but a tragedy at the hands of one woman. The jury, back in January, recommended a sentence of ten and a half years. There were moments today when Mike and I feared that she wouldn’t get that sentence. But the court did not let us down. The Judge gave Trudy the full ten and a half years. This sentence doesn’t change our life, and more importantly, it doesn’t change Noah’s. But at least it is an appropriate end to this terrible chapter of this very long story. Tonight, aside from the wakings of our gorgeous newborn boy, we will sleep. Thank God.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 9th, 2010 at 11:10 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.