Only five days after the trial ended – just enough time to let me rest a little – Avry burst into this world and was placed on my chest screaming. When I looked at him for the first time, this baby with bright pink skin under a silky layer of white, I was in utter shock that he was mine – no, ours. I had worked with Mike to prepare his room, to buy diapers and wipes, and to organize Noah’s old baby clothes. I had felt him kick and roll in my belly for months, but I hadn’t ever taken the time to prepare myself for the avalanche of emotions that would follow after bringing another baby into our small, chaotic life. I was in such denial that day that I was in labor (my contractions were irregular until the end) that I didn’t even give Noah the million kisses I should have. Mike practically pushed me out the door, my hospital bag in tow – which I had only just packed – and only four hours later Avry was stretched across me. That night, as Mike was home getting some much-deserved rest, I curled into Avry as he snored next to me. I didn’t sleep much. I just kissed his pale yellow head, feeling the red, downy hair beneath my lips. In the darkness of that hospital room, taking in the scent of my new son, I felt something I’d almost forgotten: joy.
My entire stay at the hospital felt like a vacation. As I lay in bed all day, my food was brought to me. There were no courtrooms, no lawyers; there wasn’t the face of woman who I had trusted so many, many months ago. The sun shone into my room and everyone who visited beamed with happiness, not the weight of heartache. No one felt the need to tread lightly around me. My baby cooed and hiccupped, burped and breastfed. He was new, new and perfect.
But my experience with perfection is flawed: someone shook the perfection right out of my first Noah. And once I was home with Avry, the winds of our chaotic life nearly blew me over, my short-lived bliss rushing right out the door. The first night we were home, two Peruvian journalists rang our doorbell, wanting an interview. Unfortunately, Mike had answered the door and I had to pull him back into the house without letting him say a word; nothing he could ever say to them would make a difference. The Peruvian community has made up their mind about us. After they left, as Mike sat stewing next to me, I held Avry and bawled. The simple joy of bringing my baby home was tarnished.
In the weeks that followed that turbulent first night home, I have watched in amazement as Avry smiles and laughs in his sleep, weeks before he will be able to do so while awake; and I have cried and buried my head in my hands as I watched Noah have 30 seizures in one day. I have tickled Avry’s tiny, pink toes; and I have sprinted across the room to catch Noah, with crocodile tears streaming down his face, after he has fallen, either from tripping on his own feet while walking or from a seizure knocking the balance right out of him. It is terrifying to watch, utterly helpless, as Noah suffers. It is hard to know he wasn’t born that way, but he was born perfect like Avry.
In the midst of one of the snowiest winters that Virginia has seen in nearly a century, I am buried under a mountain, struggling to balance the light and the dark, the good and the bad. I am ready for the snow to melt and the weight to be lifted. There are times when I have wanted to bury myself into the snow and hibernate. But no matter what, when I awake, nothing will have changed. I will still have a husband who loves so deeply and fiercely that he can sometimes barely breathe because he aches so much for Noah; I will still have the most gentle-spirited son, a boy who I love more each second of every day, a boy who has seizures and is developmentally delayed because he was shaken by his daycare provider; and I will still have my wrinkly and beautiful new baby, still untouched by the cruelties of this world, thank God.
I would be remiss if I closed on such a somber note, because I still believe in our future. This has been a terrible winter, with inches upon inches of oppressive snow burying us in our houses, and the cities around us nearly shutting down. But warmer days will come. The snow will melt and we will trudge through the mud. Once the mud dries and the air smells of the early blooming daffodils and tulips, life will become a little sweeter. I believe this is also true for my Noah and for my family. We will get these seizures under control; we will not rest until we do. And someday the four of us will be barefoot on a beach, laughing and romping through the surf. We will find joy. And we will hold onto it tightly.
Congrats!!! I just checked out the new pictures and feel compelled to leave a comment.
Your family is absolutely gorgeous!!!
I am not good with words so i hope what i am going to say will not sound offensive.
Noah looks good. Really good!!! He looks just like any other kid! happy, cute and handsome!!! i hope he will continue to make progress and fully recover.
congrats again on your new addition!
Congratulations on your new blessing!!! Avry is in a very special family!! I also loved looking at your new pictures. Love the one of the whole family. I am very sorry to hear that Noah is suffering with more and more seizures. He continues to be in my prayers! Your posts always bring me to tears.. some of joy & some of sadness! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I have not forgotten about you. Hope you have been enjoying the spring like weather the last few days!!
Hugs & love to your family!!
Noah- Keep up the good work little buddy!! We are all still praying for you! You are going to be a great big brother to Avry!!
Love & (((HUGS)))
Stephanie
Culpeper
Congrats on your new son! What a blessing!
What a beautiful family! Please don’t let anyone steal your joy. You have two beautiful boys! Yes, there are huge challenges, but there is also love, hope, and the prayers of many more than you could imagine. Please keep posting pictures of your boys- they are absolutely precious!
Reading your post I thought of one of my favorite songs to sing to my two boys. It strikes me as a happy coincidence that your second child was born so soon after the end of the trial. I hope that it marks the beginning of a new chapter in the life of your family, one that like your new baby is full of hope, possibility, and love. Although I understand that Noah still has a long road ahead of him, he know has one more person in his corner. A brother to bolster him when he needs support, love him when he’s feeling down, laugh with him when he’s happy and I don’t think that God could have delivered a better blessing to both you and to Noah. So I hope that these words can offer you some comfort and that you know that your words inspire me and give me hope that the good in our world is so much more powerful than the bad.
Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That’s the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
That’s the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Something I’ve heard recently that has just stuck with me…and I find to be very powerful…especially this time of year.
Always remember: for every Good Friday, there is always an Easter Sunday.
Continue to have hope and trust in God.
He will see you through…He will see you ALL through.
Thank you so much for posting updated pictures. Your family is beautiful.
Noah will learn as much from Avry as Avry learns from him, and I continue to pray for for Noah’s recovery as well as the rest of your family.
I also have two boys and boys are the very best.
Thank you for sharing, Erin. Please give Noah a hug from this stranger who thinks and prays for him often.
I wanted to share this website with you. Perhaps you’ve already perused it.
thebrainproject.org. It was set up by a father whose daughter was shacken back in 2005. Maybe it can help you, even if it’s only in some little way.
Debbie
That is absolutely beautiful! So eloquent. Congratulations on your new baby and continued prayers for sweet Noah. Prayers for you all actually. God bless.
Hi. I am new to your blog. I have a 5 month old who is also named Noah and your story and his fight make my heartache. I could not even begin to imagine what you are all going through. I think that you are the bravest couple that I have ever “met” and that your adorable baby boy Noah is a complete hero and a fighter. I wish you all the love and luck in the world and I will continue to pray for you until my last breath.
May God bless you all, your beautiful Avry and your amazing Noah. You are in my thoughts and prayers forever and ALWAYS.
Best wishes always.
Mike and Erin,
Thank you so much for updating us on your family. I have been checking often and am so happy to see some new pictures of Noah and the beautiful family picture of the 4 of you. I am sorry your first night home was ambushed – how dare they.
Erin, I know when I bought my Hamish home I also had my 3 year old Lochie. The arrival of a new sibling and juggling of home life is crazy. I didn’t have a little boy with so much going on like Noah, I can only imagine how extra crazy/stressful that would make things. I take my hat off to you and Mike.
But as you said the sun will come out, Avry will grow up ( all to quick!) and Noah WILL get his seizures under control and before you know it they will be into so much mischief together.
We still think of Noah and pray for Noah to heal. When things start to feel bleak – just look at the boys the two little miracles that God has blessed you with and soak up their smiles and laughter.
Kind Regards
Sally Ware
Brisbane Australia
I was sadden as I read your post, but rejoicing to learn of your new joy. He will learn so much from Noah. I absolutely love that you added some new photos. Noah in growing into such an adorable little boy! My son is near his age. Noah’s smile is captivating and so innocent. The black and white family photo is my favorite. God’s timing is perfect and Avry will help to heal your family. God Bless
Hello Erin,
I’ve been checking your blog to see how you’re holding up. I’m sorry things are so hard. I can’t imagine the many different emotions that you must feel when bringing Avry home.
I’m sorry to hear that Noah’s seizures are so fierceful. It must be devastating to watch and I’m so sorry. I’ll continue to pray that things will get better for him.
I know things can seem so overwhelming and sad. Trust me, I know. I know that no matter how hard you try to think positive and to stay focused on the future, those feelings of sadness can sweep you away at any given moment. You deserve to be sad. You deserve to be mad. Unfortunately, these feelings for me have never completely gone away. I’ve learned to deal with them, but they never disappear. I’ve learned to rejoice in the milestones that Will reaches, regardless of how delayed they might be, but I still hurt inside every single day. I ache for what was taken from him. Every single day.
I’m so glad that Avry is bringing you so much joy and hope. Hang in there, Erin. Noah knows how much you love him. Sometimes loving them is all we feel like we can do. I know you have that down to a perfect science.
I’ll be praying that the seizures will stop and for his continued healing.
God Bless,
Vickie Smith
My heart aches for all that was taken from you and Noah but smiles in what you will see Noah accomplish. Avry is lucky to have him as a big brother. The new pictures of him are adorable. Continuing to think of you and your family. And hoping Spring will be here soon:)
God bless you & your family. Congratulations on the new arrival, we will continue to pray for your entire family!!