It is only after careful deliberation that I have decided to post again on Noah’s Road. And though there are still reasons why perhaps I shouldn’t write and share our life with the world again, in light of recent news, it seems that reaching out for support and prayers for my son, despite this debacle of a legal process, is the best choice. In fact, there are moments when I truly ask myself, “What the hell can we lose now?” We have already lost so much: my son has lost the future he was born with, his innocence was stolen from him, and my husband and I have lost the ability to go through one day without crying or screaming, without asking God why our new family was chosen to struggle like this. Yes, we believe in His plan, but it doesn’t always make the days easier. And now, after seven months, we have lost confidence in our legal system: the woman who shook my son – who is here illegally – is now out on bail. She is with her family, smiling again.
And we are heartbroken. Our son nearly died and is now fighting to achieve all the milestones that other babies and their parents take for granted. We are reliving the nightmare over and over because the trial has been continued once again. And now we must live with the knowledge that we may pass this woman on the street – or, even worse, that she might flee the country and we will never see justice for our blue-eyed boy.
Noah turns one year old in less than two weeks, on November 29th. We will no doubt be celebrating with every ounce of faith and hope we can muster – after all, our son is a survivor – but we will also remember how dark life sometimes feels. I won’t be able to show a slideshow of Noah’s first year without everyone in attendance crying at the images of him before he was shaken. We will remember on that day that Noah still has brain damage and that he’s on anti-seizure medications. When we put his first cupcake in front of him, we will wonder what he sees, as there is permanent optic nerve damage and his vision is far from normal.
Though we will be celebrating my fighting angel’s life, we are still shackled by the tragedy our family has had to endure at the hands of a woman who is now walking free.
My heart breaks for you and your husband. Please know that your family is in my prayers.
Erin,
i know i shouldn’t be putting any negative stuff here. But life is SO UNFAIR! How could that woman be allowed to walk freely when Noah has to endure so much? I just now looked through the photos of Noah. They always make me cry.
How can someone who did such a horrible thing to an innocent baby be allowed to walk from jail???
I am so sorry Erin. It must hurt so bad.
I wish there is something i could say or do to make you feel better.
I have been following and praying for Noah from the very beginning also. I just wanted you to know that my heart aches with you. I am angry and sad that this lady has been set free. I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to sustain you with His love, peace and wisdom in the upcoming months. We have grown to love Noah and know that God does indeed have a purpose and a plan for everyone even though we don’t understand!
I have been following your story but have never left a comment. I often get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I read one of your posts and wonder how you make it day to day. Only by the grace of God I’m sure. But I want to say two things. I know these two things are going to be very unchristian like of me to say but #1 – it made me even more sick to know that this monster is here illegally. How does that happen? That she gets to come into this country and has no right to be here, but yet was, is, and was then able to hurt your Noah. And then on top of that our legal system not only let her illegal self out, they just let her out to walk free. I don’t know how you retrain yourself if you know where this woman can be found. And #2 I can assure that if justice is not shown in this lifetime, there is a hot place in hell for this woman. I, too, believe in what goes around come around. I know these words aren’t very comforting but I’m frustrated and sad for you, and of course Noah. I’m thinking of your family and praying for your sweet boy!
I have been reading Noah’s story since he was in the hospital. I have a son who will be one year old tomorrow. Everytime that I read one of your entries, I can’t help but wonder how I would feel if this had happened to one of my children. I don’t think I would ever get past the anger. I am amazed at your strength and how you are so focused on Noah getting better rather than focusing on the monster that did this. I can’t remember how I ever came across your site but I have had your family in my prayers ever since.
I have been reading Noah’s story for a while now and my heart just aches for noah and your family. It’s just plain not fair. I’m so sorry you feel like the legal system has just failed you, however, God will not fail you! Lots of hugs and prayers!!
I’m so very sorry.(and angry and frustrated!) This isn’t what we had been hoping and praying for; but, then again, this isn’t the end. I pray that this upcoming Thanksgiving will indeed be a time of thankfulness for just how far precious little Noah has come! Please don’t let the caregiver’s circumstances steal your joy as you celebrate Noah’s first birthday. I know I will be celebrating his LIFE on November 29th!
My heart goes out to all of you. You must be so frustrated, angry, and feeling as though what Noah has been through, is still going through, what has been done to him and his family, has been forgotten by those who unlocked that cell for her. The legal system does make you wonder. I think it’s insane that she’s out. I see no justice here – YET. Concentrate on that “yet” right now. Your time in court will come. You must have faith in that. In the meantime, focus on keeping yourselves healthy, rested and CELEBRATE his one year birthday with a big bang, hip hip hooray! What a little miracle he is! And, just like you have taught me to hug my boys a little tighter, hug Noah a little tighter too.
We are with you….hoping, praying, wanting healing of body and spirit.
Amen.
OH Erin and Mike
I am SO angry for you both. Good on you Erin for blogging again – your right what more have you got to lose!! I am a true believer in “What goes around comes around” I know your blog is for prayers and healing for Noah and believe me we are still sending them to the big man above.
But let me be angry for you – it’s SO UNFAIR that she is out with her family. And if they are still reading your blog and our replys let them see that they are living with a monster and she is as guilty as hell!!
I heart is pounding and tummy is churning at the injustice of it and am upset that you have been stuffed around. Still know that you, Mike and beautiful Noah are still in our thoughts and prayers.
I hope Noah devours his cupcake and enjoys his birthday (no doubt he’ll have more fun with the wrapping paper and boxes than any toys themselves!!) Look after yourself and the next little bundle.
Love and hugs to our little mate
Sally Ware
Brisbane Australia
P.S A little something is in the post for the birthday boy from down under
I am sorry, that is beyond words. I can tell you to focus on Noah but if it were me…I know I would be obsessing and furious. I pray that Noah continues to make great strides and that the person who did this to Noah is put away.
It is an insult to you, and all other families of shaken babies, that she is out of prison – God is a great equalizer but here on earth the legal system needs to step up.
I just recently came across your blog and was deeply affected by the story of your precious Noah. I have been praying for Him ever since.
I am so sorry to read about all that is going on with the trial and can only imagine how you must be feeling.
As many people have commented, please know that the One True God is a God of justice. It is our worldly system that fails us…it is the evil in this world that hurts our loved ones. Yes, God allows evil and pain and injustice in THIS WORLD, but He Himself is a loving and perfect God.
I will be lifting your family (and especially your dear, sweet Noah) up in my prayers daily. I will be praying for God’s healing for all of you, for God’s peace to wash over you in the midst of this worldly chaos, and for God’s perfect will in this entire situation.
I can only imagine all that you must be feeling, but the Lord knows you perfectly and He is right there with you!
I’m truly sorry that you have to deal with another legal setback. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to look at your precious Noah and know that the woman who nearly ended his life walks free.
Remember, she is not free in God’s eyes, and His justice will be carried out in His perfect time.
You all remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Erin and Mike! As tears are rolling down my face, my stomach is churning with frustration and sickness. Precious Noah, keep showing your parents the many reasons that they fight the good fight every day, even when it is hard. Keep working hard at reaching those milestones! Be together as a family. Not the one you planned over a year ago, but the one you have now. You still have each other. I will be praying now more than ever! For your family. For the legal system. I hope we can believe HE will provide justice, in our lives or in Heaven. As for the cupcake, I hear your pain but I know one thing. Not exactly what Noah sees, but that he knows the people who love him the most, and that he loves the most, gave it to him!
What terrible news. I was praying that through the silence things were working out as they should and I’m so saddened for you that this is not the case. Words of encouragement are hard to come by when things seem so down, but know this… there are many, MANY people praying for Noah and your family. Fervently praying.
I came across this poem that you’ve likely seen, but if not I wanted to share it with you all. I thought of little Noah the instant I read it. I understand that you were in “Italy” and that was stolen from you. Even so, I hope it can help in some small way.
May God keep your family and all the trials you are facing now and tomorrow close to his bosom. God Bless you all. We think of you every single day.
Erin Bond
COS, Colorado
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
Erin,
I am so angry with you regarding this whole system. The monster who shook Emma still walks free – even when my baby was clinging to life in the PICU, she was able to enjoy her home, her everyday life. We just have to keep hope that justice will get them. It’s a lengthy, and sometimes insanely unfair, but we need to keep faith that they will pay for the lives they have destroyed. This is not fair to our little babes, who never deserved a single bit of any of this.
I keep Noah in my prayers – I pray every night for our little ones. I will make sure to pray for him often. I pray that he grabs that cupcake and enjoys it as he celebrates his 1st birthday. Although I don’t know you in person, I know you are a strong mama and you can do this. Like you, I have moments of despair, but we just need to keep positive and keep faith. Your sweet Noah is a miracle and will continue to show the world what he can do.
Sophie
I’ve been following and praying for your family and Noah but I just had to sign up and post. I can not imagine the frustration and outrage you feel. But I pray you take comfort in knowing, we can seemingly get away with the consequences of our actions in this world but rest assured when we stand before God we will not get away. God is a God of love but also a God of justice. He sees and knows. Justice will most absolutely be served in His time. Praying you have a blessed day on Noah’s birthday. Know he is being lifted in prayer daily.
I am continuing to pray for Noah and your family, for peace and for justice, according to His plan.
I, too, have never posted but have followed your blog for as long as I can remember. We are praying for you. We are holding your hand. We are lifting your family up as much as we possibly can. Nobody knows exactly your story the way you know it. We are here to support you on your jouney and to let you know that we think about you every single day. Hugs to Noah from us.
Erika in TN
I just want to say thank you for being brave and posting an update on how Noah and your family are doing. I am keeping you in my prayers and if you need specific prayers prayed over, it helps to keep those updates public. Don’t fear, God will provide. Keep your strength.
after reading this I am so heartbroken I truly do not know what to say. we keep you in our prayer and we love you all.
ashley cofer memphis, tn
I don’t know you at all and I have never left a reply, but wanted to let you know I have been following Noah’s Road since April 20th. My heart has broken for you and for your precious Noah. I have cried many many tears for all of you. I just finally wanted to leave you a note to let you know that I pray for Noah’s healing and for your strength daily. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Angela in AR
It’s Vickie in GA. Sorry, but somehow I posted the above comment before I meant to.
Anyway, as I said above…just try to focus and put your energy into Noah, your new baby on the way and each other. I know it’s so difficult. I know how angry you are. I know how you feel as though the legal system has let you down. I know the devastation.
The only thing you can do is turn it over to God. I’m sure 1000 different people have said that to you, but it’s true. I still struggle w/ bitterness and being angry every day, but in the end the only thing that really matters is my son. He’s still w/ me. I can still hold him in my arms at night and tell him I love him and how proud I am of him.
I’ll continue to pray for Noah’s healing and for your strength to get thru the next phase of this journey, whatever that may be.
Vickie Smith
Georiga
Erin,
Words leave me right now. All I know to say is how sorry I am. I know you must be so frustrated. I know how hard you & Mike have fought for Noah and how hard you’ve tried not to be angry or bitter about what life has thrown at your precious son and family. It’s very difficult to remain positive with such a slap in the face.
You know my situation so if there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. In the meantime, the only thing I can say is FOCUS ON NOAH.